It was over 10 years ago now. Honestly, it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. Those gray days that crashed into each other like the waves of a raging sea. Slipping into depression was deceitfully slow, yet ended up being fatal. It was hard to really notice, for any one of us. Until the day that I lost my will to live, to continue trying anymore. From there began those hardest months for us, as I spun in the whirl of depression and self harm, eventually ending up in a psychiatric ward.
As I look back on those days and years, I can’t still help but hope that there would have been someone who would have told me that things will be alright. That though it might take time, I will be alright. I wish someone would have told me things get better as time passes by. I wish someone would have told me that I would come to the point where I love my life. Today, there are two things I am eternally thankful for. Firstly, that Jesus found me and I was saved. Secondly, that my suicide attempt failed. Because I truly love my life and all that I have now. And I so wish that someone would have told me this back then.
I realize that I am not the only one who slipped into depression. If you are reading this, chances are that you are depressed right now. And I am so, so sorry. I so wish I could be there with you and for you. I wish I could reach out, hold you and cry with you. But instead, I sit here, pouring out my heart and I hope you listen.
A Letter to the Girl Who Is Depressed
Girl, what I really want you to know is this: eventually, you will be alright. I know it seems impossible right now. The weight on your soul, it is so heavy. It’s like the world is painted with gray now; you just cannot see the light anymore. You are ready to let go of this life that is already slipping through your fingers.
But that is not the whole truth, friend. Just because it gets cloudy at times, does not mean that the sun will never shine. The night lasts only for a while; a morning will eventually come. So it is with you. So it is with your life. It might take time but eventually, you will be alright. You will see the light again. Life will be more bearable again. Yes, first you need to walk through this dark season. But you do not have to do it alone.
You see, your head is a part of your body just like the rest of it. Which means that sometimes things get a little broken. Sometimes, it just hurts. So you need someone to help you heal that hurt, to fix that brokenness. There is absolutely no shame in that. There is no shame in asking for help. And I know, it takes so much courage to go and ask. But once it is out there, spoken out loud? All will become so much lighter. It will still be a fight; yet you are not alone anymore.
Let Go of Your Shame
Girl, if there is something I have learned over these years, it is this: that fear is a liar. And the cause of fear in our lives? So often is shame. So let me get this one out there right away: there is no shame in asking for help. Rather that is pure courage, your heart at its bravest. So please, let not this world twist that around wrong.
I keep thinking life is actually quite like a puzzle. Sometimes those pieces don’t make sense at all, and you thread in confusion. But then you start to gather the pieces you know. You find those corner pieces. Then you find those edges, frame the whole puzzle before you go for the harder pieces. That’s what we do with life as well. It’s okay to be confused at times, to be at loss with what to do. Sometimes it all gets a little too much. And that is just fine. You are strong enough to get through today, and honestly? That is all you have to do now. Just make it through today. Just hold on, and remember to breathe. You’re doing great.
This Is Not The End
I hope and pray that you never do self harm, friend. I know it seems enticing, a way to let out all this pain that is bottled inside. But it will not help. Oh friend, it will not help. So please, do not even consider that option. I am writing this only because I know. I spent a long time hiding the wounds on my wrist. Then I spent a long time hiding the scars on my wrist. You see, bleeding on the outside does not help the bleeding that happens on the inside. It doesn’t help the bleeding heart. It doesn’t take away the pain. Please trust me on this.
I know the waves of hurt are crashing on your soul right now. There is hope for the ruins of your heart. This hope pours down like heavy rain — as it is the grace of our Lord. You are never too far to turn to Him. You are never too far to be saved, to be delivered. In some seasons of our lives, we must walk through the valleys as weary and wounded warriors. Yet that is what we are — what you are: a warrior. You have made it this far, and you are so incredibly brave for doing that.
Just know, friend, that there is One who is strong enough to carry you in your weakest moments. He is there in your darkest hours, waiting for you to turn to Him in your hurt. He sees your heart, and He loves you. He loves all that you are. Just as you are.
If I can pray for you in any way, please email me (adashoffaith[at]gmail.com) or leave a comment below. I would love to pray for you and to talk with you.