what I do not want to tell you
So many days, there are these words that I want to tell you. I try to encourage you. I try to speak hope and love into your heart. I share these glimpses of grace and mercy from the Lord. But I realize there is a lot I leave out, that I would rather not have you see because you might think less of me.
This Sunday, our pastor reminded us how we all, in fact, have these wicked hearts and that is not going anywhere. Anything good that is in me, in my actions? It is not me at all. It is Jesus. So here I am, with confessions to make because I want you to know me — just like I want to know you.
And I am sorry — for trying to make you believe impressions and not the whole truth about my heart. I’m sorry for not making space for the whole of your heart, either. You ask me how I’m doing, and I tell you I am just fine. What I don’t tell you is that lately, I have been dragging my past sins and mistakes with me, letting the lies slowly discourage my heart and destroy these pieces of my soul. I don’t tell you how there are days when I don’t hope for change anymore, when I’m too tired to keep fighting this battle. I never tell you just how much it hurts that I have to fight this battle because of my own community, because of my own people — and how I think these wounds still gaping open, will take forever to heal because of it.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
You ask how my work practice is going and I tell you that I’m seriously excited about my current speech therapy client. What I don’t tell you is that I still head out with trembling knees and shaking hands, terribly afraid to be making a mistake that will cost my client their future. I don’t tell you that most days, I actually have no idea what I’m doing and I pray that I am getting at least something right along the way. I honestly don’t know if I am.
“The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.” (Isaiah 58:11)
You say I look beautiful and I thank you, shrugging it off. What I don’t tell is that I don’t believe a word. I don’t tell you how I am in the midst of this intense battle with my looks and always feeling fat — even though I know my weight is perfectly normal. I never tell you how I keep comparing myself to all other women, wishing that I would weigh less and have better hair and be comfortable in my own skin.
“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14)
You ask about our family and how my parents are doing — and I answer, we are all just fine. What I don’t tell you is that a couple of months ago I didn’t visit my parents for a couple of weeks because I was so mad at Mom. I don’t tell you how I know things are difficult for them, and yet I never ask if I can help them deal with their problems. Most of all, I don’t tell you how tired I am of trying to share the Gospel with them because I hate that wall my parents instantly build between us.
“Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:5-6)
You tell me that I’m shining, that it must have been a good day for me and I nod. What you don’t know is that I had a melt-down just this morning, that I was crying because I have been feeling so worthless, without purpose and without hope. You don’t see my knees bruised from begging the Lord to help and take these burdens off my shoulders. You don’t see my heart bruised from living this life.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
Linking up: Tell His Story, Wednesday’s Prayer Girls, Coffee and Conversation, Works for Me Wednesday, WholeHearted Wednesday, Coffee for Your Heart, Word Filled Wednesday, Growing in Grace, Everyday Jesus, Grace at Home, Faith Filled Friday, Grace & Truth, Fellowship Friday, Give Me Grace