“We shall draw near to God, not by trying to avoid sufferings inherent in all loves, but accepting them and offering them to Him. Throwing away all our defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.” (C.S. Lewis)
It has been a long week, for the both of us. Mainly because I have been losing sleep, getting lost in the midst of the hours slipping through my fingers, in the fears woven into the darkness of hopeless dreams, in the ebbing pain seemingly rooted in my soul. We have felt this, in the moments of hurt and despair bleeding through the messy heart of mine. You have felt this, seen it behind the crumbling of my soul, the hardness of my heart. Sleep deprivation has done just that, stolen the smallest bit of strength that have been mustered up in my soul and left me bare, vulnerable. My heart has been heavy and tried, too many times for me to keep holding on to joy and we have both felt the weight of the world pressing my heart.
Sometimes, in the midst of the storm, it feels like drowning.
“Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:4-5)
But it is there, this glint of brightness in the midst of the mess and the shattered dreams — these broken hearts turning into broken hallelujahs, given into the hands of the Redeemer of us lost ones. Here we are reminded that it is never our suffering, but the will of the Lord. The pain echoes loud in our souls, our weary bones feeling the weight we have been carrying — but now it is time to put away our defences, laying down that wall we have set up around our heart. So we choose to be broken for a purpose, setting our eyes on the of a morning to come, full with joy because we know — that it is His love that carries us through the valley of the shadow of death, through the darkest nights and the loneliest road.
When the darkness draws close, when we think we have lost sight of hope — it is our choice to choose again, to sing praises to the Holy One and pour out our hearts to the Maker. We choose to remind ourselves that these tears are here only for a season, that joy comes in the morning and we will find ourselves in the arms of Love once again.